Your Mom

Chett: I’ve got some great news!
Kevin: Is this gonna be a dumb riff on those annoying commercials except that instead of saying “i just saved a ton of money on my car insurance” you’re gonna say something about having sex with my mom?

Chett: Yes.
Kevin: Can we just skip it then?

Chett: Ok.

Kevin: Hello?
Chett: Hey, can you hear that music in the background?
Kevin: Barely…

Chett: It’s Barry White, I’m having sex with your mom. Listen, can you do me a favor and look up a number in the office directory?

Kevin: Uh huh. Sure, whatever. Say hi to ‘mom’ for me.
Chett: Ok, hang on… She says, “stop being in denial and get that phone number for your friend.”

Contemplation

Kevin: What the hell are you thinking about?

Kevin: How are you doing with our research project on social networking sites?
Chett: I dunno.  Orkut used to be pretty good, but I can’t understand half of it anymore.  I mean, most of the posts just start with, “Eu tive o sexo com mom de Kevin…”

Kevin: That’s not Orkut, you just typed, “I had sex with Kevin’s mom” into Google’s English->Portuguese translator.
Chett: …and end with “GOOOOAL!”

Kevin: You haven’t even started on the project, have you?
Chett: …which is what I can’t figure out. I mean why would they be so excited about that?  It must be some sort of Brazilian sarcasm…

Kevin: I don’t like this poster.

[In a hundred years, no one will remember what kind of house you lived in or how much was in your bank account, but what will be remembered is that you had sex with Kevin’s mom. Well, maybe not so much remembered but assumed because, you know, you happened to be around back then.]

Chett: Can you hear me now?
Kevin: Yes, I can hear you.
Chett: I said I just had sex with your mom.

Kevin: Why do you keep saying that?
Chett: Because it keeps happening.

Kevin: I wish you would at least wait till you got to the office before you start with the jokes about my mom.
Chett: I was on my way to the office but I stopped to khhmummble pfftmumble mee…
Kevin: What?
Chet: Can you hear me now?

Kevin: What do ye think of the new Congress? I hope that it can produce a robust constitution.

Chett: I had fexual congrefs with your mother but a fortnight ago.

Kevin: I don’t think ye are supposed to pronounce those as ‘f’.
Chett: She feemed to be bleffed with quite a robuft conftitution herfelf.

Kevin: Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Kevin: Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. Chuck Norris doesn’t stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.

Kevin: Chuck Norris doesn’t go hunting… Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chett: Chuck Norris doesn’t have sex with your mom. No, wait, he does. Everybody does.

Kevin: You know, I’m still really impressed by the technology on the Sony PSP, but I just never use mine anymore.
Chett: Hmm.

Chett: I had sex with your mom last night.

Kevin: Hey, what do you think of those new Volkswagen Jettas?
Chett: They’re pretty sweet. Your mom says she wants one for her birthday.

Kevin: What? That doesn’t even make any…
Chett: Oh wait, did I say Volkswagen Jetta? I meant non-stop bunny sex.

Kevin: Why do you always…
Chett: Oh wait, did I say your mom? I did? Ok, just checking.