Your Mom

Chett: I’ve got some great news! Kevin: Is this gonna be a dumb...

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 14:10:54 -0400

Chett: I’ve got some great news!
Kevin: Is this gonna be a dumb riff on those annoying commercials except that instead of saying “i just saved a ton of money on my car insurance” you’re gonna say something about having sex with my mom?

Chett: Yes.
Kevin: Can we just skip it then?

Chett: Ok.

Kevin: Hello?Chett: Hey, can you hear that music in the...

Fri, 29 May 2009 10:52:26 -0400

Kevin: Hello?
Chett: Hey, can you hear that music in the background?
Kevin: Barely…

Chett: It’s Barry White, I’m having sex with your mom. Listen, can you do me a favor and look up a number in the office directory?

Kevin: Uh huh. Sure, whatever. Say hi to ‘mom’ for me.
Chett: Ok, hang on… She says, “stop being in denial and get that phone number for your friend.”

Contemplation Kevin: What the hell are you thinking about?

Thu, 14 May 2009 05:02:44 -0400

Contemplation

Kevin: What the hell are you thinking about?

Kevin: How are you doing with our research project on social...

Sat, 02 May 2009 11:01:06 -0400

Kevin: How are you doing with our research project on social networking sites?
Chett: I dunno. Orkut used to be pretty good, but I can’t understand half of it anymore. I mean, most of the posts just start with, “Eu tive o sexo com mom de Kevin…”

Kevin: That’s not Orkut, you just typed, “I had sex with Kevin’s mom” into Google’s English->Portuguese translator.
Chett: …and end with “GOOOOAL!”

Kevin: You haven’t even started on the project, have you?
Chett: …which is what I can’t figure out. I mean why would they be so excited about that? It must be some sort of Brazilian sarcasm…

Kevin: I don’t like this poster. [In a hundred years, no one...

Thu, 02 Apr 2009 16:48:30 -0400

Kevin: I don’t like this poster.

[In a hundred years, no one will remember what kind of house you lived in or how much was in your bank account, but what will be remembered is that you had sex with Kevin’s mom. Well, maybe not so much remembered but assumed because, you know, you happened to be around back then.]

Chett: Can you hear me now? Kevin: Yes, I can hear you. Chett: I...

Thu, 12 Mar 2009 14:44:42 -0400

Chett: Can you hear me now?
Kevin: Yes, I can hear you.
Chett: I said I just had sex with your mom.

Kevin: Why do you keep saying that?
Chett: Because it keeps happening.

Kevin: I wish you would at least wait till you got to the office before you start with the jokes about my mom.
Chett: I was on my way to the office but I stopped to khhmummble pfftmumble mee…
Kevin: What?
Chet: Can you hear me now?

Kevin: What do ye think of the new Congress? I hope that it can...

Sat, 28 Feb 2009 10:08:06 -0500

Kevin: What do ye think of the new Congress? I hope that it can produce a robust constitution.

Chett: I had fexual congrefs with your mother but a fortnight ago.

Kevin: I don’t think ye are supposed to pronounce those as ‘f’.
Chett: She feemed to be bleffed with quite a robuft conftitution herfelf.

Kevin: Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. Kevin: Chuck...

Sat, 21 Feb 2009 17:10:18 -0500

Kevin: Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Kevin: Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. Chuck Norris doesn’t stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.

Kevin: Chuck Norris doesn’t go hunting… Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chett: Chuck Norris doesn’t have sex with your mom. No, wait, he does. Everybody does.

Kevin: You know, I’m still really impressed by the technology on...

Wed, 18 Feb 2009 16:39:23 -0500

Kevin: You know, I’m still really impressed by the technology on the Sony PSP, but I just never use mine anymore.
Chett: Hmm.

Chett: I had sex with your mom last night.

Kevin: Hey, what do you think of those new Volkswagen Jettas?...

Mon, 16 Feb 2009 13:43:33 -0500

Kevin: Hey, what do you think of those new Volkswagen Jettas?
Chett: They’re pretty sweet. Your mom says she wants one for her birthday.

Kevin: What? That doesn’t even make any…
Chett: Oh wait, did I say Volkswagen Jetta? I meant non-stop bunny sex.

Kevin: Why do you always…
Chett: Oh wait, did I say your mom? I did? Ok, just checking.

Kevin: Have you tried this new music site, Pandora.com? Chett:...

Mon, 16 Feb 2009 13:42:39 -0500

Kevin: Have you tried this new music site, Pandora.com?
Chett: Nope

Kevin: It’s pretty cool. You rate songs as they’re playing and it uses genetic algorithms to find other music that you’d like. The best part is that, at any time, you can push the “tell me why you’re playing this song” button and it says…
Chett: “…cause when I was having sex with your mom she told me that you like this crap”?

Kevin: Yes. Yes, that’s exactly what it says when YOU use it.
Chett: It’s just A.I. man. Don’t take it so personally.

Kevin: Hey, let’s go see X-Men III. Call the theatre to find out...

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 13:22:03 -0500

Kevin: Hey, let’s go see X-Men III. Call the theatre to find out when it’s playing.
Chett: Good idea, I think I’ve got the number on speed dial. Let’s see…

Chett: …pizza… …the office… …your mom…
Kevin: Ha Ha. Very Funny.
Chett: What? That I have your mom on speed dial? It’s not what you think, I just call her for sex. Here, I’ll get her on the line.

Chett: She says the 12:15 is sold out, but there’s room at 3:30 and 6:45.

Chett: That thing’s a piece of crap. Why don’t you get one of...

Sat, 07 Feb 2009 10:12:54 -0500

Chett: That thing’s a piece of crap. Why don’t you get one of those sweet new MacBooks?
Kevin: Don’t lecture me about Macs. I’ve been a Mac person for fifteen years.

Chett: Look man, having a Mac back when Macs used to suck is nothing to be proud of. Just like I’m not proud of having sex with your mom back when she used to suck; which is to say from a long, long time ago up until the present day.

Chett: It’s the sort of thing you just get used to and maybe even take for granted, but you’re not proud…
Kevin: Is this going to go on much longer? I’ve got a PowerPoint to finish.
Chett: Whoa, I never heard your mom say that.

Kevin: Man, World of Warcraft is great! I can’t believe how far...

Sat, 07 Feb 2009 10:12:29 -0500

Kevin: Man, World of Warcraft is great! I can’t believe how far the genere has come. What was the first Massively Multiplayer Game you ever played?
Chett: Hmmm, that’s a tough one. I’m gonna have to say sex with your mom.

Chett: It was impressive in the number of simultaneous users it could support, but it got pretty repetitive after a while.
Kevin: You’re a dick.
Chett: I still log in from time to time…